Chopstick Etiquette in Japan: Do Japanese People Really Notice How You Hold Them?
箸の持ち方は見られているか——「育ちが悪い」を議論したアベプラのコメント欄
By Rakutaro · Tokyo, Japan
Yes, Japanese people notice a bad chopstick grip, but in a 2024 thread under an ABEMA Prime debate about "bad upbringing" they judge the refusal to fix it much more harshly than the grip itself. The debate started with a man in his thirties who says his girlfriend left him partly over how he holds chopsticks, and the most-liked of the top 200 of 2,428 comments (2,993 likes) calls not fixing things and blaming your parents "the worst upbringing of all." A dissenting few say the people watching your grip are the creepy ones, and one asks who decided the correct way anyway. Then the thread fills with confessions from people who ate with crossed chopsticks into their late teens or twenties, and how they retrained themselves.
These comments are from a video published in 2024. Prices, rules and crowds may have moved since; anything we checked ourselves is marked with a source.
“The chopstick thing had been pointed out to him the whole time and he never tried to fix it, so isn't that why they broke up? Whether someone will try to change is a pretty big deal when you're living a life together.”
箸の件はずっと注意していたのに、直そうとしてくれないから別れたんじゃないかな？変わろうとしてくれるかって一緒に生活していくうえでかなり重要。
What Japanese people do instead
In junior high my grandfather saw how I held my chopsticks and was shocked! He made me practice moving beans onto another plate while holding my chopsticks properly. He was usually a gentle grandpa, but he told me a girl can get by if she's not great at studying, but if her manners are sloppy she'll never get married, and I practiced picking up beans in tears. Now I'm grateful to him.
中学生の時私の箸の持ち方を見て祖父はビックリ！ 正しく箸を持った状態で豆を違うお皿に移動させる練習を強制的にさせられました。 いつもは優しい祖父でしたが 女性は少しお勉強ができなくても大丈夫だが、所作が汚いとお嫁にいけないと言われ、泣きながら豆を摘む練習をしました。 今では祖父に感謝しています。
— @take-od9um347 likesCrossed chopsticks, I did that until past twenty too, but I fixed it myself once I started working. For rice, you can scoop it up instead of pinching it. Blaming your parents feels like skipping the effort.
クロス箸、私も二十歳すぎまでそうでしたが、社会人になって自ら直しました。ご飯は掴まずすくい上げれば良いかと。親のせいにして自分の努力怠ってる感ありです。
— @きつねのしっぽ-q2f87 likes
FAQ
- Do Japanese people judge foreigners' chopstick skills?
- Not the way they judge each other. This debate is about Japanese adults, who are expected to have practiced as children until they could pick food up (a 153-like comment). The one comment about visitors (161 likes) recalls an older diner at an Asakusa soba shop kindly telling two young women to show struggling tourists how to hold their chopsticks.
- Which chopstick habits bother Japanese people most?
- Noise and effort more than the grip itself. One commenter (75 likes) says loud chewing is the one thing they can't take, and a 42-like comment lists hovering chopsticks over the dishes and pulling dishes toward you with them among the manners they were strictly taught. A 298-like comment says crude, overly casual talk bothers them more than either.
- How long does it take to fix a chopstick grip?
- Commenters who did it as adults say days to weeks. One fixed it in about a week or two in college (56 likes), another says it was fixed in no time after starting work (81 likes), and a 478-like comment describes a friend at a club camp saying not to come back to the room until each meal was finished with a proper grip.
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What Japanese people said — picked from the top 200 of 2,428 comments
If he honestly thinks he got dumped because of how he holds chopsticks, that's impressive in its own way. And blaming his upbringing for not fixing his grip into his thirties is impressive too.
振られたのは箸の持ち方が悪いからって素直に思えるんだとしたら、逆にすごい 30代まで箸の持ち方を直さないことを育ちのせいにするのもすごい
Fine, a bad upbringing can't be helped. But not fixing things and blaming your parents is the worst upbringing of all.
育ちが悪いのは致し仕方ないとして、直さず親にせいにしたりする所が最大の育ちの悪さなのよ
What makes me think someone was raised badly isn't chopsticks or loud chewing. It's when they talk to you casually the first time you meet and only use lazy words like "gross" and "ew."
育ちが悪い人だなって思うのは箸とかクチャラーとかより初対面でタメ口とかキモイとかきっしょとかそういう安易な言葉しか使わない人見たときかな
It's not really about upbringing. After living 30-plus years he must have had endless chances to fix how he holds chopsticks. If you're eating alone, hold them however you like, but at a meal with a lot of people you have to realize that grip looks embarrassing. It's not individuality at all, and being great at other things doesn't change that.
育ちが悪いっていうか、30年以上生きてきたら自分の箸の持ち方を直すチャンスはいくらでもあったと思うんだけど。 一人の食事でやるぶんには好きに持てばいいけど、 大勢いる所での食事ならみっともない持ち方だと思わないとダメでしょ。 全然個性なんかじゃないし、他の部分が秀でていても関係ない。
Also, with chopsticks like that you can't go with someone to a really good kaiseki or kappo restaurant. A ramen shop or a family restaurant, fine, I guess.
あとこんな箸遣いすると、本当にうまい懐石とか割烹に一緒にいけないんだよ。ラーメン屋とかファミレスぐらいならまあいけるけど。
Most things I don't care about, but loud chewers are the one thing I can't take. I'd never go eat with them again.
大抵のことは別に気にしないけど、クチャラーだけは無理 二度と一緒に飯いかんわ
Both my parents only finished high school and so did I, and I'm on a non-regular contract, but I can hold chopsticks properly just fine... Posture, chewing noisily, elbows on the table, hovering your chopsticks over the dishes, pulling dishes toward you with them... I was strictly taught all the things people call bad manners. I like people who notice things themselves, or take it on board when someone tells them, and put in the effort.
両親共に高卒で自分も高卒非正規だけど、箸の持ち方は普通に綺麗に持てるけどな...。 姿勢とくちゃくちゃ食べたり肘ついたり迷い箸寄せ箸...マナーが悪いと言われる所作は厳しく躾けられた。 自分で気づいたり人から言われたことを素直に受け止めて努力してる人は好き。
If it's the noise, I get it, but people who scrutinize how others hold their chopsticks are the creepy ones... At this rate you'd have to accept people telling you to get plastic surgery because your face bothers them. Are you ready for that?
音がうるさいとかなら分かるけど箸の持ち方なんていちいち見てる方が気持ち悪い・・・ ここまでくるとそのうち周りがあなたの容姿が不快だから整形しろとか言われることも容認しなきゃいけなくなるが あなたは心の準備が出来ているのか
Who decided what the right way to hold chopsticks is, anyway? It feels a bit like the unease I get with kanji stroke order.
はしの持ち方って誰が正しいと決めたのだろう。漢字の書き順の違和感に似たものを感じる。
I held my chopsticks crossed until I was 18 too, but when I started working I corrected my grip and it was fixed in no time, so I can only think it's down to you, not your upbringing.
私も18歳までクロス箸だったけど社会に出るのをきっかけに箸の持ち方矯正したら一瞬で矯正できたから育ちが悪いとかじゃなくて自分次第だとしか思えない。
Not long after I met my best friend, we went on a club training camp, and seeing me eat with crossed chopsticks, my friend said, "Don't come back to the room until you've finished your meal holding your chopsticks properly." Every meal took twice as long to finish, but by the end of the camp my grip was fixed. Thank you, my friend.
親友と出会って間もない頃、サークルの合宿に行ったとき、クロス箸で食事してた私に対して「正しい箸の持ち方で完食するまで部屋に帰ってくるな」と言われ、毎食食べ切るのにいつもの倍の時間がかかりましたが合宿が終わる頃には正しい箸の持ち方に矯正できました。ありがとう親友。
In college I fixed how I hold chopsticks in about a week or two. Even clumsy me could do it, so it's not that hard. No harm in doing it.
大学時代、箸の持ち方は1,2週間くらいで矯正した。不器用な自分でもできたくらいそこまで高度なことではないので、やって損はない
I held my chopsticks kind of like a brush until I was well into adulthood. One day I was eating with a friend at a soba shop in Asakusa, and an old man at the next table, enjoying sake on his own with soba on the side, spoke to us in a really kind way: "Young ladies, you're seeing more and more foreign tourists around here, right? You'll come across people at restaurants struggling with their chopsticks, so you should show them how to hold them, like this (demonstrating)." I was impressed, and only later did it hit me: "He was telling me my own chopstick use was off, in a roundabout way so it wouldn't hurt." After that I retrained my own table manners myself... When I asked my mother about meals, she said her father was very, very strict at the dinner table (right as discipline, but handled like a typical early-Showa thunder dad), so family dinner was pure torture for her and the food never tasted good. It's a bitter memory, so she didn't want to nag her own kids at the table. I get it... but I wish she'd said just a little more. Still, like Atsushi says, you can notice and retrain yourself, so I also think it's wrong to blame everything on your parents or your environment.
私はいい年まで箸は筆持ちの感じでした。 ある日浅草の蕎麦屋で友人と会食をしていたら、近くの席の 蕎麦を肴に御酒を一人楽しんでいたおじいさんが「お嬢さん方、ココら辺は外国の方々が観光で増えてきてるでしょう。飲食店で箸使いに困ってる人も見かけることになりますからね、こうやって(実演)…箸を持つ要領をね、教えてやるといいですよ」なんてすごく優しい雰囲気で話しかけられまして。 感心した後々に「あれは…自分の箸使いが変なのを、傷付かないように遠回しに教えてくれたんだろうな」とハッとしました。それから自分の食事マナーを自身で躾け直しましたね… 母に食事について話を聞いてみたら、母の父親が食卓でとてもとても厳しい人で(それが躾けとしては正しいとはいえ対処が典型的な昭和初期の雷親父だったと)、家庭の夕食の時間が母にとっては本当に苦痛で 食事が全く美味しく感じなかった苦い思い出なので、自分の作る家庭では子供に煩く言いたくないという思いだった…と言っていました。わかる…けど、もう少しだけ言って欲しかったな。 まぁ淳さんの言うように自分で気付いて躾け直すことも自ら出来るんだから、何でもかんでも親や環境のせいにするのも間違っているとも思いますけどね。